Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What the Whippet Ate

I spend approximately 35% of my at-home-and-awake time taking stolen food away from my Whippet. Today's steals:

1 Vanilla Special K granola bar
1 bag of airline peanuts
1 wrapper that luckily no longer contained gum

These stolen items were not just sitting around. They were in a purse and a computer bag. Zippers do not defeat the Whippet. Counters do not defeat the Whippet. Children's hands do not defeat the Whippet.

It's maddening.

Who, me? I have no idea what you're talking about. Hey, is that a cookie?



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Help! I'm falling!


The Girl's miniature dollhouse lives on the edge of a "clifft" today. There are alligators in the water below. I suspect that lava will be involved soon. It's a dangerous world in my daughter's imagination. 

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Monday, November 28, 2011

A cup of... coffee?

Today I had a follow-up visit at the good old urologist's office. I had to use a different kind of urine specimen cup today and there was a disappointing lack of writing space. I drew one of these stupid blobby guys that I've been drawing since junior high school. I usually put a hat on them but this cup had a bumpy section prohibited that so you'll just have to imagine it. It will look better in your imagination than if I drew it anyway.



I have been feeling significantly better. I have even had a few cups of very diluted decaffeinated coffee, which is a nice treat. Caffeine is a big no-no for people having an Interstitial Cystitis problem, but even decaf is considered dangerous because it is acidic. Even MILK is a wild card. Who knew that milk is acidic?

Anyway, the first few cups I made with rice milk and almond milk weren't too great, but I tried my first bit of milk since midsummer in last night's cup and then I was reminded of how much I liked coffee. I'm drinking tons of water and taking Prelief before each day's diluted cup of decaf in hopes that I'll get to keep it in my diet. 

I talked to the nurse practitioner about adding in a multivitamin (vitamins are sometimes triggers for Interstitial Cystitis flares). She recommended trying one while I'm not trying anything else new to see if I can tolerate it (of course). Fortunately, she understood the importance of trying decaf coffee before vitamins. Smart lady.

I spent too much time today trying to figure out when would be the best time to have my one cup of diluted decaf coffee. Yes, I know how pathetic that sounds. I'm not proud. But I *am* enjoying some coffee. 

Oh, and good news for those of you who are fans of the crazy cups: I'm going to be going in for instillations once every six weeks for a while. So although that means I'll be suffering through more catheterizations (ooh, my favorite!), I'll also be writing more weird stuff on cups. All for you. And, you know, for me.

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Overheard at the elementary school

"Another day, another dollar."

The Boy, who is 8, talking to a friend on their first day back at school after a week-long break for Thanksgiving. 


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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Summing it up 11/27/11

Stuff I didn't blog about this week:


  • Some of my articles were posted online at Cleanrun.com and they are free for anyone who is interested in reading them. They are all dog sport related, so if that's not your thing, well... you can still click and enjoy my awesomeness. Or don't and just say you did. I won't know the difference.


Competing for the Cup

USDAA Holds the 2011 Cynosport World Games

The AKC's Youngest Triple Threat





  • Offline, I gave my second speech in a week on what it's like to be a freelance writer and editor. My first "lecture" was to my son's class at The Great American Teach-In (otherwise known as "Career Day") and the second was to my dog training club at their meeting. After that one I started thinking that maybe I could give talks to writer's groups and, you know, get paid for it. Maybe I'll look into that after the first of the year. When I have more time. Riiiggghhhttt!

  • I finally started working seriously on an e-book I'm doing for Clean Run Magazine. It's designed as a companion for Clean Run and a resource for agility newbies and instructors. So far the agility glossary is 31 pages long. And counting. OY!


Up Next: I have lots of deadlines coming up, with one article due on December 1 and three due on December 3. I also have a whole bunch of editing responsibilities and deadlines in there. It's going to be a hairy week.

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Of fairies and teeth

How my eight-year-old son still believes in the Tooth Fairy, I don't know. I really hate lying to him, but he seems to like the whole thing so I kind of think he's subconsciously avoiding thinking too hard about it. I figured out all the whole Santa/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy concept at age five, so I really have very few memories of what it's like to believe. I guess I have to stick with it until he starts asking questions.

Yesterday, he lost a tooth. As he climbed into his bed, which is completely littered with stuffed animals, he requested "a real pillow." He never sleeps with his head on much of anything, since he generally spends the night engaged in some battle behind his eyelids. He does have several Pillow Pets in his menagerie (one of whom starred in one of my very first blog entries). Husband said, "Why can't you sleep on your Pillow Pets?" The Boy replied, "Because the Tooth Fairy might not recognize it as a pillow and then she won't find my tooth."

What could Husband say to that? Not a damn thing, so he went and got a pillow. In the process, The Boy asked an interesting question:

Boy: What does the Tooth Fairy do with all these teeth anyway?


Husband: I don't know.


Boy: Well, I hope whatever she does do with them, she puts them to good use.

Later, I went to sneak in there to do the deed and The Boy was draped all over the pillow, making it entirely impossible extract the tooth. Husband came in to see him too and we managed to wake The Boy up in the process. We made up some lie and headed out. I had to go back in later to finish the deal. Sheesh.

Read about how my Thanksgiving ended. 

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Friday, November 25, 2011

A relaxing Thanksgiving night, or maybe not

Last night I stayed up far too late watching an episode of RoveLA on the internet. It featured Seth MacFarlane and Lauren Graham, two people I enjoy hearing speak, and Will.i.am, who doesn't seem to speak very well but who has oddly small teeth and is therefore intriguing to watch.

When I finally shut everything down and was turning off lights, I saw that a bizarrely huge roach (non-Floridians and sticklers call them palmetto bugs) was hanging out just above my front door. I swore and went off to find the tallest swatting object I could find. It was a thin catalog, and I could tell as I moved closer to Mr. Roach that I wasn't going to be able to reach him. He seemed particularly obsessed with trying to walk on my ceiling, which he eventually gave up for the chance to fly directly at my head. I squealed like a little kid, ducked, and then said out loud to no one, "I hate it when they do that!"

Then I hurried across the room to the wall where he landed. This time, with me jumping up in the air, I was able to hit him, but only in a way that knocked him off on to the bookcase, and then floor. I did my best Hulk smash but the bastard climbed up on the bottom shelf and ducked under some Princess magazines and library books.

I swore some more, quite colorfully, and tried to sort out what to do. I hated the idea of leaving him there to crawl out later, when he would most definitely find his way down the hall to crawl on my sleeping face. I wiggled some magazines around while poised to leap back if he should emerge, but he stayed in hiding. Smart little booger. So then I went and got some spider spray, which was the most conveniently available poison in the house. I did a quick spray under the edge of the magazine and then stepped back. I wondered whether mere spider spray would disturb a creature rumored to be capable of surviving a nuclear holocaust. The answer turned out to be a most wonderful "Yes." Roachzilla came racing out of the bookcase and across the floor, where I pummeled him excessively, finishing him off with a satisfying, "Take that, you asshole." He is now resting in pieces in the comfy confines of my trashcan.

And that's how I finished off my Thanksgiving.
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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Let me go wash my hands again

My husband and two children are preparing some desserts for Thanksgiving. I think The Girl is pretending she's on Hell's Kitchen. She's referring to what station she's working on and she's calling Husband "Chef."


This conversation just happened.

Boy: May I help?

Husband: Sure, I'll find something for you to do. You can stir this.

Boy: I'll go wash my hands.

Husband: Good idea.

[The Boy hurries to the bathroom, washes his hands, returns, and stirs.]

Husband: Good job! OK, the next thing you can do is...

Boy: Wait a minute. I need to go wash my hands.

Husband: You don't have to wash your hands in between each step.

Boy: Well, I accidentally put my hand down my pants.

[Husband and I burst out laughing.]

Husband: Well, thank you for your honesty. I don't know how that accidentally happens. And I'm pretty sure that you've just given your mother a blog entry.


Happy Thanksgiving! 



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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I'm in someone else's blog. Also, there might be a wrinkle in time.

I'm pretty sure blogging about being mentioned in someone else's blog might cause some kind of rip in the space/time continuum. Hopefully I'm not causing science-fiction-type of problems on the internet here because goodness knows, we don't need that.

Anyway, if you can tolerate the occasional frequent swear word, check out How Not to Make Shirts on Zazzle and laugh along with me.

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Monday, November 21, 2011

Words I routinely misspell when typing that I can otherwise spell correctly

Competing (competiting)
Birthday (Brithday)

I'm sure I'll be adding to this list, but these are the two that are haunting me at the moment. And Brithday gets me every damn day on facebook. My left index finger must be extra fast. Being a speedy and eager worker is usually rewarded, but not when you are a single finger working in a team sport like typing. There is no "I" in team, Pointer. NO I.


Word I misspell but it makes me laugh so it's OK:

Results (reslut, meaning "to slut again." Obviously.)

What can't you spell when typing quickly?


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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Summing it up

I thought it would be good for me to start a weekly wrap-up thing (a la thebloggess.com, although I'm clearly not as awesome as she is), so I thought I'd start showing some of the things I do during the week that don't show up on this blog.

So, while I've been doing a lot of other work, something I've done online that I can show you is my Zazzle store. I started it last year in an attempt to monetize this blog and therefore justify the time I spend on it. The store was a colossal failure in that 1) I didn't have much time to put it together and 2) I'm pretty much a horrible artist.

Despite these flaws, I'm trying to make a go of the store again. I've put two mugs related to Interstitial Cystitis in it, and several new things that include my favorite snowmen.  You can find my store here, or click on the "store" tab above.

Thanks for your support!

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Saturday, November 19, 2011

My second dog post today.

Tonight while playing with Mr. Beagle, this innocent looking 10-and-a-half-year-old Whippet twice JUMPED OVER THE EDGE OF THIS TABLE and landed on the sofa. She's got mad hops. 





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Read another post about a dog here.

I think this dog has Asperger's.

Donnie the Doberman Arranges Toys | Dobermans Den:

'via Blog this'

And it's very, very awesome. Also, clearly I need to get my dogs more toys. What if my Beagle is some kind of Savant and I've never given him the opportunity to show it? I'm a horrible person.




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Friday, November 18, 2011

Marriage Advice for Ashton Kutcher

 "Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail." --Ashton Kutcher.


Man, I totally must be doing it wrong then. Dealing with death, devastating illness, raising healthy, well-adjusted children, putting your life back together after a natural disaster... THESE things are on my "most difficult things in the world list." Marriage, though not equivalent to playing a round of Go Fish, is not. 


My suggestion to Ashton is that, when married, he try not sleeping with women to whom he is not married. That helps. A lot.





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Thursday, November 17, 2011

Popcorn vs. Popcorn

This popcorn has officially pissed me off. You might think that popcorn is popcorn, but after this crappy store brand dared to market itself with the bold "Compare to Orville Redenbacher's," I discovered something different. While I can compare it all day long, it falls wayyyyy short. I didn't realize it was possible for freshly popped popcorn to taste so bad. And then I realized that, while it does suggest that we compare it to Orville Redenbacher's, it doesn't say that it compares FAVORABLY. That assumption was mine. So I thought I'd improve upon their labeling:



And then I went and got all mathy for you:


You're welcome. 

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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Options

This morning's conversation with The Girl, who just turned five:

Girl: I'm still hungry, Mama.


Me: Well, what would you like to eat?


Girl: What are my options?

I didn't know whether to be impressed by her vocabulary or frightened for my future.

*****




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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Hoebag!!

This email just made it past my spam filter and showed up in my inbox. I'm trying to decide what kind of advertising technique they are using by addressing me as "hoebag." Does this endear them to potential clients? Maybe they focus on shoppers with self esteem problems, the kind that spend their evenings catering to sloppy men in stained wife-beaters. "Hoebag" might even been a term of endearment for these women.

As for me, all I can do is wonder if that's really an acceptable spelling.


Gifts, discounts for you from Corderobauld
Inbox
X

Jenni Levine azeejen@aol.com via mx.aol.com to ...show details 3:40 AM (6 hours ago)

Hoebag !!
58%  !!! http://someURLI'mnotincludingherebecauseLordknowswhereitgoes.com



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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Burning Down the House

It seems that my uterus has decided to compete with my bladder for the title of “Organ Brenna Hates the Most.”  Lately it gets in an uproar each month and then it tries to involve my already diseased bladder in some sort of a coup. I’m not sure what its eventual goal is (world domination?) but I’m trying to put a lid on the whole damn thing. So on Monday I’m electing to have someone use “radio frequency energy” to burn out my insides. This sounds like a terrific idea, right?

I’m mostly nervous about the whole thing because I’m not the typical patient for this procedure. I don’t have the problem that most people use it to cure (even though this blog is all about TMI, I’ll spare you the details).  I have a separate disease most people have never heard of (Interstitial Cystitis). So I’m a little worried about how this is going to work for me.

It’s only a 90-second-long process. Surely nothing too terrible can happen in that amount of time, right? Except for the part where I’m BURNING OUT MY INSIDES. 



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Friday, November 11, 2011

Pee-Ku Cup


Haiku:
This is my last one.
No more clever cups for you...
I'm sure I'll be back! :)

Thursday was my last instillation, which means that I no longer have to pee in a cup once a week and then have large quantities of odd smelling medicine "instilled" in my bladder in a less-than-pleasant manner. I prefer to keep my urethra catheter-free, thankyouverymuch. 

All-in-all, the instillations were helpful in reducing the pain I feel from Interstital Cystitis, and each one was less painful than the one before, so I'm glad I did it. Do I think I'll never have to do it again? No, I don't. It's a lifelong disease and I'm sure I'll need these treatments again in the future. At least the next time I'll know what I'm in for and I won't be as nervous. And I'm thankful that I'm not one of the IC sufferers who must catheterize her/himself three times a day to do instillations in an attempt to just survive without being in agony. I've been in pretty bad shape myself, but not to that point. I plan on continuing to treat my IC aggressively to stay on top of it. This is not a disease you can let get away from you. Well, actually, it IS a disease that you can let get away from you, but then it snowballs into a disastrous mess that requires physical therapy, drugs, and a lot of agony to get out from under. 

I hope I'm never that person again. I'm paying attention this time.

And now, since this is a humor blog, I give you the Umbilical Brothers, who make me laugh:



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Thursday, November 10, 2011

Your Gud at Writin Stuf

I just got an email from a writing website that had several article links, including one titled "7 Signs Your a Professional" and the first thing I thought was "One of them has to be that you know the difference between 'your' and 'you're'."




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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

It's like Superfriends, only naughtier

Tonight while I was getting The Girl ready for bed, we had this conversation:

Girl: How long will you live? Will you be around a long time?

Me: Oh yeah, I'm not dying anytime soon. I'll be around at least until you have a baby and make me a grandmother.

Girl: I could make you a grandmother?

Me: Yes!. Just like I made Gram [my mom] a grandmother when I had your brother.

Girl: Really?

Me: Yes, and I made Grandma [Husband's mom] a grandmother too!

Girl: No, Daddy did that.

Me: Well, me and Daddy together. It took both of us together to have babies and make Grandma into a grandmother.

Girl: Wow! It's like you have SUPER POWERS! You have super powers when you and Daddy get together!

Me: [Laughing] Yes. It's just like that.




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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Lazy Dog Days

The Papillon spends all day hurrying around my feet, and resting on the floor or on a chair nearby, waiting for me to need him to do something at a moment's notice. The hounds, well, the hounds have a different outlook on life.

Must be nice.



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